| tablets |
[May. 26th, 2012|09:44 am] |
Took a big risk this morning.
A few months ago I was prescribed some extended-release methylphenidate. The dose was too high and I only took it one day.
This morning I halved one tablet and took it, before doing any Internet research to confirm my psychiatrist's assertion that this could be done.
The Internet did confirm, but if I get side effects, I'll get them during Saturday's Comicon crowd.
Conversely, if it grants me the power to fix my behavior, I'll have a great time.
I'm on my way tot he light rail station. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 25th, 2012|11:32 pm] |
i found a handwirtten resume for my mom on the kitchen table that said she raised "5 children, 3 disabled". i know the 3rd disabled child she is referring to as me. obviously there is nothing wrong with being disabled, and there are ways i could choose to ID as disabled i guess (i didn't walk till i was 3 because of a congenital muscular disorder, IBS, social anxiety), but i don't ID as disabled, and i know she wrote that more as part of an ongoing narrative in which i am just a burden and a drain on resources. i'm disabled, but i'm the one who works 8-10 hour shifts on her feet while going to school. my mom works maybe 6-8 hours a week. but i am disabled. i am a drain on resources. she offers 0 support to gini but is happy to take the money that gini is given by the government for disability.
there is a high chance i won't be studying abroad because i won't have the money to. i was happy to give her half of my student loan refund and half of my tax refund and i was happy to spend all of my free time taking care of bob. i was expecting to live my entire life taking care of bob while my other sisters went and lived their own lives. my sisters got to leave the first chance they could but i don't have the life skills or the gumption to do that. i am so stuck.
i know i need to go and live my own life but it's difficult. if i don't get to study abroad i should just move out the first chance i get. i am working a crappy retail job (which i do love but which is killing me) and getting my BA so i can have my own life. i hate that my sisters resent me. i might be the first to get a BA and i took out my own student loans and i give my mom significant amounts of money frequently but i'm a loser and a terrible person because i still live at home. people who meet me as an adult don't always think of me as a stupid, incompetent baby but my family always will.
my mother is a good person. she's had a terrible, terrible life and is constantly in a terrible situation that is near impossible to combat. i will never hate her, nor do i blame her for not really loving me. i sort of feel like she didn't actually raise me, which is terrible and bratty to think, but i had pretty much 0 supervision or rules and i never learned how to do anything for myself. it is my own fault that i am lazy and stupid and completely reliant on everyone else, but i feel that maybe it also might be a product of how i was raised.
i haven't taken a vacation in a year and a half. i put all of myself into work and school and now my body is falling apart but i cannot afford a vacation. if i don't take time off, though, my feet will never heal.
i need to go live somewhere else and maybe take a couple years off of having contact with my family.
i learned some really messed up things about my father's death.
i am really thankful for brittany.
i want to kill myself but i'm finally making music and that is all i've ever wanted
lol i'm supposed to be having a party on sunday |
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| Friday Pix |
[May. 25th, 2012|01:34 pm] |
Yes, yes, I know the Pix are late today. Don't blame me, blame Blizzard for allowing me to get hold of Diablo 3, and blame work for giving me a day off. Don't judge me.
( Find A Way And Come On In! ) |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 24th, 2012|08:24 pm] |
Saw a guy in a pick-up with a trailer stop in the middle of traffic, hold up a line of cars, just to get out and help a large turtle get off of the road. That was fabulous, good on him.
Got Diablo 3 downloaded and installed. Lord help me.
2 days off in a row, dunno what to do with myself. However, Saturday starts 5 days on, including at least one day of 8-7 (open to close), so it's gonna be a fun week. By the end of it, though,I should be firmly in place and rolling. This is a cool thing.
Jessica has felt better today than she has in almost 2 months. Needless to say, I'm incredibly happy about it.
Dig it, all positive stuff. Creepy! |
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| Chewing Through The Leather Straps |
[May. 22nd, 2012|07:13 pm] |
Thanks to SlickDeals.net, I found that Amazon had the download of Bioshock 1&2 for $7.50 (that's for the pair, nice). I loved BS1 and never played BS2, so figured this was a good time to snag them. As it was my day off, i got the downloads going and installed.
Here, the story falls apart.
Install BS1. Go to fire it up, it takes a very long time to boot and then the menu screen has no mouse response. Needless to say, this annoys me. Screw around with everything I can think of, find, and look up, nothing. Decide I'll get 2 downloaded and installed and deal with it all at once. 2 downloads...and then the installer fails. OK, now I'm really mad. Go to reboot...and find that the downloader for 1 is still in the background, somewhere. Hmm...get that cleared, BS1 works fine. OK, victory one.
So, to work on 2. Nothing makes this run...until I ignore what it's trying to fire up and fire up a different file in the folder...installs fine. Eh? Well, no complaints. OK, now the REALLY fun part, the DRM bullshit. This is 2KGames, so that means SecureROM...*sigh* OK, OK, gimme...yes, here's my serial number, connect to your goddamn server and allow me to play the thing I've legally bought. All things check out, game should be activated...failed? Why? No god-damned reason. try again...and again. nothing. Manually? OK, i have all the numbers. Go to the proper site, put it all in, get the unlock code, apply to install...nothing AGAIN. Ready to go set 2KGames on fire, i try the auto-activate...and it works.
My head hurts, I'm hot and uncomfortable, and somewhat unhappy in general and what not....and then this. I'm glad it all works now, and I look forward to playing (hopefully), but man, this is just bullshit. These companies need to figure out that one reason people pirate software is due to these heavy-handed security measures. When you treat your customers like you're doing them a favor and like they are a bunch of scum, it only promotes the piracy. Look at DVD piracy: would you rather pop in the movie and have it start at the click of your button, or the "legal copy" way of having to sit through the FBI and InterPol warnings, the overdone animated menu, the ad for BluRay, a commercial, some trailers, and then all the logos for the production house, the distribution house, Dolby, etc.? Same with games. We'd rather be able to PLAY THE FUCKING THING than have to jump through a bunch of hoops...and the only ones that do have to go through this shit are the ones who bought it legally.
Make it worthwhile (and not overpriced!), and people will buy it. Pirates will always exist...and your security measures only make them more likely to stay in business.
(In unrelated news, while I cannot talk about the Secret World beta, I can say that I have now managed to get my guy through the first 'dungeon' instance. Tough but doable with a good team, and gorgeous.) |
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| It Happens All the Time |
[May. 22nd, 2012|07:16 pm] |
(crossposted from tumblr)
This is an article--and a LONG, LONG comments section--about women and girls' experiences with being harassed on the street. Catcalls, jeers, being touched inappropriately, being intimidated, everything like that. It's a really intense read and the page goes on for miles. When I was reading it, my thought process went like this: "Wow, I'm glad I've never been harassed! Well, except for that one time. And that time. And that time. And that time..." Every time I've ever been harassed came flooding back and I wanted to make a post about it. I don't talk about this stuff very often to anyone and I think it's important to remind people that THIS SHIT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE EVERYWHERE, EVERY DAY, FOR ANY REASON OR NO REASON AT ALL.
- When I was around 16, I was continually harassed by this older guy who hung out near the pool in my neighborhood. I was trying to get in shape, so I would walk there and back in the afternoons. He would follow me, trying to talk to me, ignoring how uncomfortable I was until I finally just ran from him. It happened so often and made me so scared that my dad bought me some pepper spray afterwards. Thankfully, I've never had to use it.
- People will STILL yell shit at me from cars for no reason. I don't know why or what they are even saying, but it's aggravating as hell. I don't like walking around in my neighborhood alone even though I've lived here for over a decade. I get nervous going to the fucking mailbox.
- An incredibly relevant, related story: when I was 13, I went to an anime convention dressed as a character from Bust-a-Groove 2. I met a guy who was dressed as another character from the same game and we walked around the convention together for the day. At the end of it, he kissed me. Like, out of nowhere. I was really surprised and unnerved, and he spent the next few days calling my house CONSTANTLY. My dad eventually had to make up a lie about how boys weren't allowed to call my house before he stopped. The kicker: this guy is still obsessed with me and another friend of mine, to this day, and is convinced we have some vendetta against him when we don't give a single fuck.
- I got a lot of shit at school as well, predictably. Some of my former middle school friends called me a dyke on the first day of high school, and I remember some guys in PE talking about how one of them wanted to "eat me out."
An important point: I'm pretty heavyset, always have been, and for a long time I didn't consider myself attractive in any way (although I'm mostly happy with my appearance now). IT DOESN'T MATTER. Getting harassed doesn't necessarily mean they think you're attractive, and not getting harassed doesn't mean that you're ugly. The fact that this is a common reaction, no matter how brief, on behalf of a lot of girls (certainly it crossed my friend's mind when I told her about this, and I told her that looks have nothing to do with it), is fucking vile and really really telling about the prevalence of harassment and entitlement in our society. |
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| Updates, Downnotes |
[May. 19th, 2012|07:48 am] |
So, day off. You can tell it was, because I slept in, until 5:30....OK, I just don't sleep much. Anyway, it gives me a moment to update on things.
So, work. Surprisingly, I think I'll like this. Not that I thought I'd hate it, but I didn't exactly go into it cheering "whoopie!" Keep in mind that I know almost nothing about cars, and you can appreciate the trepidation. However, I'm learning a lot and not shying away from things. I've never had a problem getting my hands dirty (figuratively or literally), and that's good, because I'm definitely jumping right in on things. Normally, I'd take the first 3-4 days doing "computer based training" before getting out on the floor and training hands-on. My manager said he knocked out the computer stuff in 4 days, but he took overtime to do it and didn't expect people to go that fast, though he wanted me to bust it out so I could get where he needed me. This stuff is broken up into chunks that they want you to have done on a schedule (first one on safety inside first 30 days, next 4 on the various positions inside of 120 days, etc.). After 2 days, I'd done everything for 120 days, another day and I was finished with the 150 day mark. That made me some points, to say the least. Also, even though I'm still very much on the fringe of the day-to-day workings, I'm handling customers on my own initiative. This has made me even more points, both in drive and style. You know how they tell you in prison to beat down someone fast, to establish yourself? That's me, without the violence and victim. Set myself up, fast...and it's working. Along the way, I'm learning and doing plenty. Hell, yesterday, I helped a couple other guys change a serpentine belt, and that's a pain in the ass. (Separate note: made a HUGE load of brownie points yesterday by running a last-minute errand that not only saved my managers butt but kept him out of trouble with HIS boss. Go me.)
So, outside of work, let's see. Well, I canceled my paid 'City of Heroes' account, for two reasons. One, of course, is work. I just don't have time. Even if I don't go in until 10, I don't want to get involved in the morning, and by the time I come home, shower, eat, and try to have some time with Jessica, there's not much left. Two, and maybe more importantly, is that I have not had nearly as much fun this time around. With the addition of the "incarnate powers", the game has become very focused on the end-game, which is one thing that killed Warcraft for me. It feels all about hurrying to get to the end and then grinding for the drops, something that I always appreciated that City did NOT do...well, now it does. On top of all that, I stayed with City for as long as I did because of my group of running buddies, Team Awesome. Coming back, I find that they've all moved on to other things and, without that social aspect, I find myself bored. True, I made a new friend not long ago and enjoyed running with her and her friends, but that is not often due to timing and just not the same. True also that ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1) kwsapphire hooked me up with a group she runs with, and while there are some great people in there, again, it's just not the same. So, I'm MMO-less for a while. Not making promises, just time to move on from City.
Still have the "Secret World" beta going on, and that's pretty cool. Cool enough to pay for when it's released? Not sure yet. Haven't fired it up in days, obviously. Lots there to like, some not to like, betas change, so hard to really say. Overall, though, I am enjoying it. Should download my copy Diablo 3 today, so I'll have that to play. Found a great deal on Bioshock 1&2 which I plan to get, as I loved B1 and want to play again, and never got to play B2. That's another thing: so many games I've missed over the last 10 years, due to being MMO-focused. With as little time as I have right now, better to have games I can pause. ;)
Things in the house are plenty good. Still crazy about my lady, no question there. She's been sick lately, and something weird going on with her gut which is making her pretty miserable, but we're working on it. Also weird getting used to not seeing her for so long, but that's work for you. Have to make sure and plan for things I want to do around the house, too...Damn, work sucks. ;)
Hmm...nothing else I can think of to report on. Trimmed my hair for the first time in ages. Did a little buzzing behind the ears and across the back, since my hair is pulled back for work and the wispy little stragglers were annoying me. Haven't done this to my head since...1993, I think? Kinda got off my eating/exercise thing, but working is already showing a change again, so that helps.
I'm sore, but it's all good. |
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| day 23? |
[May. 19th, 2012|12:20 am] |
I missed a day by accident, so I think I'm on 23? Things are going well! I have a lot of updates!
First, I've been uploading more stuff to electricopolis.net -- the 17 pictures for my drawing project. I've also been doing a ton of writing!! I have to hack away at some old stories and rewrite them, but I've also been doing a new one that i've plotted out from top to bottom so HOPEFULLY I CAN FINISH IT IN A TIMELY FASHION. The more of these I get hammered out, the sooner I can start putting them online.
Second, I've opened a shop! I'm selling off some old stuff from MAGFest 2012, so if you want any bookmarks, stickers, or illustration cards, or WARIO PRINTS, click click!
My mood's been pretty good! Keeping productive really helps. I'm going to try and get at least one or two creative things done every day, and work harder on my chores.
Things I should do tomorrow:- Ship stuff from my shop
- Copy stuff for my manga class
- Do laundry
- Visit that place I am going to visit with my family for the wedding
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| Friday Pix |
[May. 18th, 2012|08:08 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | friday pix | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Rogue Traders - Voodoo Child | ] |
Even working, I'm not bailing on bringing you the Finest In Friday Fotography (I know, i know, work with me, here)...The Friday Pix!
( Wake Up And Come On In! ) |
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